btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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