Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
And then he peed in my hair
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