Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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