tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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