Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
