He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
