Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
is it fun? or sober?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
