I wanna passion pit in your ass
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
