My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
