Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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