I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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