Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize