i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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