Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
