i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
