Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
