DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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