I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
