i just wanna soil my oats bro
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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