I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We are two peas in an std pod
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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