i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize