You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
