Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize