Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
