The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
