Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
