I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
