Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
