When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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