just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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