READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
