I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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