Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
