my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
