Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
