it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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