Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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