Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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