I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You're like the curious george of whores
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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