we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
