I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
