Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
