I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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