My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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