god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
