apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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