I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
