No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
