I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
