A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize