I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
