Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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