I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
