so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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