I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I need water and some morals
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
