I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
