turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
