Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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