Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
