Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
