Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
